1. There is a massive queue
In that case you are either in a motorway café or a reality TV show.
2. The room is empty
Why is nobody here on a Thursday night? Just opened? Don’t kid me, I can see the look of desperation on the staff’s faces.
3. Spruikers try and drag you in
Obvious really. If they have to use the pressurised tactics of Benidorm timeshare spruikers…
4. Birds on tables
If the birds (or rats for that matter) are inside it’s even worse. And believe me, recently I’ve been attacked by sparrows both inside and outdoors and had my food stolen. Any self respecting restaurant doesn’t want birds near their tables. I’m resisting the obvious jokes.
5. Smells
If you can smell anything bad, especially the staff, you are in trouble. Either chef doesn’t change his clothes or the cooking oil or the restaurant is on fire.
6. Carpet
I’m particularly thinking about loud carpets, anything with shocks of colour. If it looks like the carpet from the cinema, you’d be better visiting the cinema.
6. Erections, part one
If menus stand bolt upright they are very probably laminated. Rarely, will they be updated, which means the food is unlikely to be seasonal and very probably frozen. Quality is inversely proportional to the height of the menu. Have you ever noticed that really posh restaurants have flat menus that won’t wipe clean?
7. Food on the menu
I mean physically. If your hands are sticky after touching a menu then the restaurant very probably doesn’t care. And very probably the menu is laminated (see 6)
8. Erections, part two
Unless we are talking wine bottles, anything that large should be kept well away from the table. I’m thinking of laughably large food receptacles, ketchup bottles and, of course, the ubiquitous joke pepper grinder.
9. A room with a view
If the room has a view, food certainly will not be cheap. And rarely will the food be good.
10. Have we met before?
Chain restaurants. Obvious really, although the excellent chips from Maccas should be excluded. Ditto anything with the Gordon Ramsay name (for now).
11. Long menus
Over 20 items split across entrée, main and dessert is pushing it. If a restaurant is trying to be all things to all people, it isn’t very discerning. It’s probably sticking everything in the freezer and then microwaving it.
12. Erections, part three
If you spot any dessert or cake that is higher than say six inches – I’m being generous here – leave immediately. It’ll be bought in from some cheesecake chain, rot your teeth and very probably give you diabetes.
13. Anything peculiar
Just follow your instincts. If there are weird themes, uniforms – grown men dressed as chickens –or if anything makes you uneasy, just leave. This applies to quiz nights and belly dancing. It smacks of desperation.
14. Pokies
If gambling is the central theme, the carpets are likely to be lurid and the food bad. The exception to this rule is the high rollin’ casino where your losses partly fund fine dining.
15. Paper napkins
Controversial this one, but have you ever noticed how the slightest breeze can send your paper napkin across the room. Sometimes by dessert, in calm conditions, you can end up with three paper napkins on your lap or, worse, scrunched up on the table.
16. Vanilla ice cream
I’ve already aired my views on this. What vanilla ice cream is shorthand for is the mundane and unimaginative menu.
I’m participating in Darren’s list project over a Problogger.
Pingback: Men In Aprons