Posts Categorized: Dubai

No happy ending to this shitty desert banquet

The desert is inevitable in Dubai and it is difficult to resist a safari. While we will feast in the dessert there will be no booze or belly dancing tonight because of Ramadam. I don’t mind. We traverse the dunes in Top Gear fashion while I weakly exclaim “Oh my god!”. I don’t really mean it as the track up the peaks and down the dips aren’t that scary. While everybody else looks towards the sunset and the passing camel train, I turn my back to the sun to enjoy the light and shadow casting relief over contrasting textures of the sand. The banquet is a typical tourist trap with hookah pipes, henna tattoos and a dreaded buffet. I should probably mention the cats wandering the tables with improbably large balls. Despite sand in my shoes and sticking between my fingers and teabag tea (make an effort at least), the food seems okay. Or so I thought. The incubation period for bad food is some 12 to 24 hours. About 2pm the next day my stomach starts cramping but I ignore it. and have a peppermint tea in the spa. I opt for a 15 minute steam and the massage room which seems a bit cool. Now you can never be sure what you’re getting in a massage abroad. Is it legit or is it going to provide one of those messy but happy endings so beloved by my fellow countryman. I’m given the choice between some disposable shorts and nudity but when I see my masseuse is a muscled filipino chap rather than a young Thai lady I decide on the shorts. I do start to worry as his hand slips up the inside of my thigh uncomfortably close to my wrinkled scrotum. Soon I’m urging him harder and after 90 minutes of brutality it culminates in him rocking on my back ion his knees. I’m same after all. I emerge battered and throughly worked out. But I feel bloody awful. My whole body shakes and my teacup clatters on the saucer as my hand shakes uncontrollably. I can’t warm up in a warm shower and still outside in the 38C air I shake. My eyes are blurry and have spots in front on them and my mind feels it has been set in a large jelly and is isolated from the rest of the world. I’m sick, very… Read more »